You'll Never Leave.

Australia is a land of choices. Take your pick from the following; Land Death, Sea Death or Sky Death. Living here is somewhat like owning an exotic and very dangerous pet. It looks pretty but at any given moment it could have your hand off. Like mothers overprotecting their A.D.D. angel the Aussies get all huffy when you start what they consider to be scaremongering by asking questions like; 'so how many people have acctually died here this year?', but there's no getting away from it. Even in the safe (and shabby) environs of Bondi you could end up looking like a walking sultana, ankles under constant threat of crushing by legions of yummy mummies and rad dads learner driving 4WD strollers. So here is the What-A-Way-To-Go Top Eight Chart Rundown;

1. The world's ten (not ten of the) deadliest snakes including the Tiapan, Death Adder (prefix says it all) and the helpfully coloured Brown Snake.
2. The Salty Croc- named for it's endearing habit of poping to the beach for a quick bite. Something which is on the increase due to destruction of their river habitat.
3. The Cassowary- the Begbie of the bush. The world's only helmeted bird nuts it's way through the bush and eats... plums.
4. Several nasty tempered arachnids including the Sydney lawn dwelling Funnelweb.
5. The Great White and friends- needs no introduction, we've all seen Jaws. Capable of sensing a drop of human blood or sweat from miles away.
6. The Box Jellyfish- a virtually transparent, floating, firey cat o nine tails. Eats...plankton.
7. The Gimpy- doesn't acctually kill you but this innocent green leaved plant will gift you pain equivalent to a cigarette burn a thousand fold every time you get a bit adrenaline going for up to nine months.
8. A shell-dwelling chav of a crab which has you as soon as you threaten to relocate it's abode.

Nobody knows why so many of Australias creatures have evolved to be so unnecessarily deadly. Perhaps growing up in a climate as hostile as this has left the natives in a permanent teenage moody. On the other side of the coin it boasts by far the cutest and most ridiculous creatures including living spacehoppers and an animal mistakenly thought of a bears but which are, in fact, grummpy old men alseep in trees. Only seen awake on pension day in the bookies.

Had the early settlers had a choice, I wonder wether they would have persevered. But the opportunity to royally fuck up this playground was too great so persevere they did. Hence their overwhelming confidence. If you can survive this lot you have nothing to fear from a bunch of butter-fingered poms.

Right, now I'm off to get fitted up with a black steed and cloak. It's Hobbit season!