One Ring To Rule Them....
The outdoors truly are great in New Zealand. This is a good thing for the towns boast all the sophistication of a row of Bournemouth beach huts circa 1976, notable exceptions so far being the Ben Sherman-shirted hell that is Christchurch and the stately Scottish grandeur of Dunedin. That certain hamlets in the north are famous for their welly boots and carrots should tell you we ain't in Kansas anymore Dorothy.
But stuff that, that's not why any of us came. My quest began with a visit to the aptly named Hell's Gate in the pastures of The Shire. Hell's Arsehole might be a better name for this delightful collection of fouly flatulent flats, home to the world's only mud volcano (I go to all the top spots so you don't have to). After hanging out with some dodgy geysers I saddled up my hobbit and made for Weather Top pausing only to haul my firey ring up the slopes of Mt Doom (aka Tongariro). Anyone for a stroll amongst active volcanoes, emerald coloured lakes and gently farting lunar landscape? Oh yes.
P, P, P, Pick Up A Large Flightless Seabird.
For such a small country NZ is a great place to add to the list of 'cool creatures I have seen'. Several types of dolphin, for instance. No-one ever tells you this, but swimming with them is one of the most terrifying experiences ever. Think floundering in murky water wearing an extra strength (like those ones Mike has to have to stop him... you know)full-body condom and waiting for a huge fish to hurl itself at you out of the indistinct darkness. Sadly Flipper and friends were more interested in showing off at the back of the boat and declined to communicate spiritually with us. I bought a few cans of dolphin unfriendly tuna after. That'll teach the capricious little fuckers. The world's largest carnivore, the Sperm Whale can also be seen daily off the east coast. They are truly awesome (in the biblical not the annoying surfer boy sense of the word). An even better sight, however, is the controlled riot that occurs when one is sighted and sixty passengers attempt to politely elbow each other into the sea in the rush to photograph 15% of the bobbing blubber before it dives down to scoff its own body weight in ancient mariners and oil drums.
Dry land offers penguins and the world's largest bird, the albatross. These humvees of the sky weigh in with a massive three meter wingspan .In the words of David Attenborough; 'Albatross rock!'. Ok he didn't say that but he could have made a much shorter film if he had. I've picked up so much new knowledge that I feel must share it. I'll start with the best for your edification; Sea lions are gay. Not gay as in a bit effeminate but gay as in the big 'bears' like to surround themselves with a possee of young 'rent boys' and get jiggy with it while there are no laydeez around. They also sport tight leather shorts and migrate to Sydney every February.
Right that's enough pink power for one day. The 'world's best walk' awaits tomorrow. The Kiwis call hiking 'tramping' so I'm of to get kitted out with a couple of Scottish punks, A crate of Stella and a park bench. Roads? Where we're going we don't need...roads.
The outdoors truly are great in New Zealand. This is a good thing for the towns boast all the sophistication of a row of Bournemouth beach huts circa 1976, notable exceptions so far being the Ben Sherman-shirted hell that is Christchurch and the stately Scottish grandeur of Dunedin. That certain hamlets in the north are famous for their welly boots and carrots should tell you we ain't in Kansas anymore Dorothy.
But stuff that, that's not why any of us came. My quest began with a visit to the aptly named Hell's Gate in the pastures of The Shire. Hell's Arsehole might be a better name for this delightful collection of fouly flatulent flats, home to the world's only mud volcano (I go to all the top spots so you don't have to). After hanging out with some dodgy geysers I saddled up my hobbit and made for Weather Top pausing only to haul my firey ring up the slopes of Mt Doom (aka Tongariro). Anyone for a stroll amongst active volcanoes, emerald coloured lakes and gently farting lunar landscape? Oh yes.
P, P, P, Pick Up A Large Flightless Seabird.
For such a small country NZ is a great place to add to the list of 'cool creatures I have seen'. Several types of dolphin, for instance. No-one ever tells you this, but swimming with them is one of the most terrifying experiences ever. Think floundering in murky water wearing an extra strength (like those ones Mike has to have to stop him... you know)full-body condom and waiting for a huge fish to hurl itself at you out of the indistinct darkness. Sadly Flipper and friends were more interested in showing off at the back of the boat and declined to communicate spiritually with us. I bought a few cans of dolphin unfriendly tuna after. That'll teach the capricious little fuckers. The world's largest carnivore, the Sperm Whale can also be seen daily off the east coast. They are truly awesome (in the biblical not the annoying surfer boy sense of the word). An even better sight, however, is the controlled riot that occurs when one is sighted and sixty passengers attempt to politely elbow each other into the sea in the rush to photograph 15% of the bobbing blubber before it dives down to scoff its own body weight in ancient mariners and oil drums.
Dry land offers penguins and the world's largest bird, the albatross. These humvees of the sky weigh in with a massive three meter wingspan .In the words of David Attenborough; 'Albatross rock!'. Ok he didn't say that but he could have made a much shorter film if he had. I've picked up so much new knowledge that I feel must share it. I'll start with the best for your edification; Sea lions are gay. Not gay as in a bit effeminate but gay as in the big 'bears' like to surround themselves with a possee of young 'rent boys' and get jiggy with it while there are no laydeez around. They also sport tight leather shorts and migrate to Sydney every February.
Right that's enough pink power for one day. The 'world's best walk' awaits tomorrow. The Kiwis call hiking 'tramping' so I'm of to get kitted out with a couple of Scottish punks, A crate of Stella and a park bench. Roads? Where we're going we don't need...roads.
posted by Kate at 10:22 PM
2 Comments:
if anyone is thinking of following in kate's footsteps, there is a large amount of super-strength body condoms up for grab in mike's bedroom, 29 Lafont. last i saw of him, he was sprinting off down the road in a pair of tight leather shorts in the direction of barcelona zoo's sea lion enclosure...
Aren't sea lions the ones with the big handle bar moustaches? Funny how that fashion has crossed over the species' in the gay world.
If they are all homosexual, how do they keep the species going??
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