You'll Never Leave.

Australia is a land of choices. Take your pick from the following; Land Death, Sea Death or Sky Death. Living here is somewhat like owning an exotic and very dangerous pet. It looks pretty but at any given moment it could have your hand off. Like mothers overprotecting their A.D.D. angel the Aussies get all huffy when you start what they consider to be scaremongering by asking questions like; 'so how many people have acctually died here this year?', but there's no getting away from it. Even in the safe (and shabby) environs of Bondi you could end up looking like a walking sultana, ankles under constant threat of crushing by legions of yummy mummies and rad dads learner driving 4WD strollers. So here is the What-A-Way-To-Go Top Eight Chart Rundown;

1. The world's ten (not ten of the) deadliest snakes including the Tiapan, Death Adder (prefix says it all) and the helpfully coloured Brown Snake.
2. The Salty Croc- named for it's endearing habit of poping to the beach for a quick bite. Something which is on the increase due to destruction of their river habitat.
3. The Cassowary- the Begbie of the bush. The world's only helmeted bird nuts it's way through the bush and eats... plums.
4. Several nasty tempered arachnids including the Sydney lawn dwelling Funnelweb.
5. The Great White and friends- needs no introduction, we've all seen Jaws. Capable of sensing a drop of human blood or sweat from miles away.
6. The Box Jellyfish- a virtually transparent, floating, firey cat o nine tails. Eats...plankton.
7. The Gimpy- doesn't acctually kill you but this innocent green leaved plant will gift you pain equivalent to a cigarette burn a thousand fold every time you get a bit adrenaline going for up to nine months.
8. A shell-dwelling chav of a crab which has you as soon as you threaten to relocate it's abode.

Nobody knows why so many of Australias creatures have evolved to be so unnecessarily deadly. Perhaps growing up in a climate as hostile as this has left the natives in a permanent teenage moody. On the other side of the coin it boasts by far the cutest and most ridiculous creatures including living spacehoppers and an animal mistakenly thought of a bears but which are, in fact, grummpy old men alseep in trees. Only seen awake on pension day in the bookies.

Had the early settlers had a choice, I wonder wether they would have persevered. But the opportunity to royally fuck up this playground was too great so persevere they did. Hence their overwhelming confidence. If you can survive this lot you have nothing to fear from a bunch of butter-fingered poms.

Right, now I'm off to get fitted up with a black steed and cloak. It's Hobbit season!

Jungle Boogie.

Never been much of a beach girl (too white, too impatient). But a beach where dipping a pinky in the water can result in hospitalisation if not loss of the entire pinky and a fair bit more besides, Now That's What I Call Music.
So I headed up to the Daintree in tropical North Queensland 'where the rainforest meets the reef' creating an uninterupted Zone Of Potential Death. The world's oldest rainforest dates from when there was one supercontinent (called, apparently, 'Gonwandaland' proving that all scientists share a common ancestor with Dungeons and Dragons gamers. Peopled by Orcs too no doubt). The forest is home to some unique and endangered species including the Cassowary (an endangered relative of the emu sporting the novel feature of a razor sharp claw for chibbing unwary tourists) and is, of course, under threat. The state government is currently engaged in a scheme to persuade local landowners who have begun clearcutting and development to resell to the park. One can only hope the persuasion is of the variety that involves heads and toilets and an edgy cassowary sitting in the corner.

Foxy Lady.

I passed a relaxing few days looking out for crocs, bobbing my pants at the sound of fist sized jungle fowl, charging about in the dark looking for snakes with Botany's answer to Indiana Jones (fact; by weight there are more termites in the world than people. Thank God only we know this!) and hanging about (ooh, my wife, my wife) with Sunshine the fruit bat (likes; apples, flapping, pooing seeds. Dislikes; barbed wire, farmers) at the rehab center. I was hoping she'd score me some crack. She was holding out for a council house. I also got talking to the resident ecologist, who is (seemingly singlehandedly) replanting the forest, about mankind's impending doom. Key factors being population growth and air travel. I told him not to worry. We've got all the bases covered between us.

The Underwater World Of Inspector Clouseau.

Then it was off back to fantastically tacky Cairns (the only seaside town to opt for a mudflat instead of a beach ensuring that the only birds you can watch preening are the pelicans bedding in for the night) and a spot of diving on the reef. My submarine grace left a little to be desired but it was all worth it to see the oceanographic equivalent of kittens in a basket; clownfish nestling in coral polyps. Bless their little orange and white fins.

I'll leave you with this heartwarming fact; every year crocs eat more Germans here than any other nationality. Answers on a postcard. New slogan for the tourist board; 'North Queensland, menacing tourists since 48000 BC'.

Love, Flipper.

A Town Like Alice.

A little knowledge is often a dangerous thing, George Bush, Sun readers for example, and if your most recognisable cultural icons include Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee then the unwary traveler is bound to be occasionally dissapointed.
Having soaked up Sydney sophistication (more later) I felt it was high time I got into a bit of bush (insert joke here) so I added my contribution to Australias' other well known feature, the ozone hole, and jetted up to Alice Springs.
Being neither 'young' nor 'enthusiastic' I eschewed the delights of dining amongst the similarly described residents of my hostel and headed into town. Frankly I was dissapointed. Where are the one horses, the dirt roads, the casual violence and rednecks crashing through windows onto (pedestrianised!) streets? Perhaps the outback would deliver....

Journey To The Center Of The Earth.

The Aussies. You've gotta love 'em they call a spade a spade. No trades descriptions infringements in the Red Center. It's both those things. Miles and miles and miles of it. As far as the eye can squint. Unchanging for hours. And hours. And hours. Just the occasional etch-a-sketch road connecting nowhere to nowhere. Dry as a camels mudflaps but harbouring a surprising amount of tough, scrubby life. After many years of struggle the world's hardest people (show me a yakuza running around naked spearing 'roos), the Aborigonies have finally begun to recognise the white man's right to practice his ancient art of bagging the modern day equivalent of the trophy head (photos) and no longer practise their pesky centuries old rituals at Uluru (the rock) and other sacred sights. Sadly the Aborigonies are rapidly losing their traditions in the face of growing indiference from the yout dem ('oh dad not ritual scaring again'). After all what would you do? Hike for three weeks in the buff to dig up some whichety grubs or pop down to Maccy D's in the yute? So the world's oldest and only continuous oral culture will soon have to be written down or lost forever. Notch up another sucess for western cultural imperialism.

A Rock And A Hard Place.

It's red and it's pretty geologically unique and impressive and I'm not going to say it's overrated (it is very big and, as we all know, size matters) but.... The Olgas! Five minutes down the road, just as impressive, a quarter the people, more of them for your money (quantity counts too) and you can walk round them without recreating the egg-on-a-hot-pavement effect with your head. Into this lush prehistoric landscape we descended, feeling like Indiana Jones and keeping an eye out for any stray Pterodactyls. Two hours later, feeling more like Paula Radcliffe, we were spat out and went in search of the travelers other favorite sight. A cold tinny.
A new slogan for the Northern Territories Tourist Board I think. "The Outback, it's a good place to remind yourself how insignificant you are".

Next; Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea.